I have the f*cking best losing virginity story known to man. I promise. It doesn't involve watching the sun rise over the dashboard of a Honda Civic while hungover and in the arms of your awesome sauce teen lover. Ohh, the people that know me well know my story and it's actually funny and twistedly romantic enough to base a movie upon and I swear to dog that none of this was planned or expected ;)
I lost my virginity on the beach in Santa Barbara, CA. Santa Barbara is one of the most gorgeous places in America rivaling even Hawaii and Key West. However, Santa Barbara isn't an island so, to me, as far as the lower 48 states go, Santa Barbara is a special place of amazing and unmatched in its class as far as natural and even unnatural beauty goes (a quaint little town near the beach that maintain a sense of small town charm). In short, its one of the most charming towns in the lower 48 that I've experienced and was the most gorgeous town I'd ever seen at the ripe age of 17.
So, on St. Patrick's Day in 1993, I got lucky on a lucky day. Yup, March 17th, 1993. I lost my virginity on the 17th when I was 17! That's enough of a memory, right there, to set it apart.
During the act of sweet teenage love and lust, a maintenance man started pounding on the door and then opened the eff'ing door to our love shack in the middle of sweet, sweet, and confusing "WTF is going on" coitus (yes, I used that word 'coitus' to entertain you). The "love shack" I speak of was her HUGE muscle bound Father's corporate economy apt given to him to conduct business for a matter of months. It was, literally, steps from the main Santa Barbara beach and we *cough* I took advantage of every wonderful opportunity it had to offer.
After the extreme banging on the door, my sweet and supple teen lover flew off me into the shower thinking it was her Dad that would simply kill me, drown me in the Pacific Ocean, and then slap the sex right off her face with his massive man hand to teach her a lesson in how not to be a harlot to a charming but ginger decorated Casanova. I, literally, scrambled to put my clothes on and failed miserably. I put my shirt on backwards and turned the TV on to "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" (f*cking awesome movie that further illustrates the awesomeness of the moment) just to look like I was doing nothing but waking up to a campy movie while my fair maiden showered and primped for the day out and about within one of the most beautiful places in America. Meanwhile, inside, I was thinking I was a dead man or, at the very least, a crippled for life man.
The damn maintenance man opened the door with his master key while I sat on the couch in my backwards shirt and my lovely fair teen maiden was in the bathroom showering off her shame. Maintenance big "O" blocker quickly cleared the f*cking clogged sink drain in 25 secs. Ugh.
I still expected the person banging on the door yelling "maintenance" to be her Father of Harley riding doom. I assure you that he did, in fact, come off as such a person.
That early evening, when he got home from work, he took me on a ride on his massive Harley down the Pacific Coast Highway mere hours after I had first gotten laid by his daughter. Many moments I will never forget took place in such a short period of time. This moment was a majestic manly motorcycle Zen moment at sunset spent with the Father of whose daughter's sweet, sweet, succulent and perfect 17 yr old flesh I had "violated" just hours before. In all honesty, we both had lust or love or whatever (they both get quite confused during these times of youth / uncertainty) during the act so I wasn't "violating" a thing. This was all chock full of young love and a sweet but oddly high-larry-ass experience I'll never ever forget. It happened all as it should have. Everyone I've ever known has told me how horrible and awkward their lost virginity experience was. Mine was awkward only in a funny way when a mutha' f*ckin maintenance man burst into the room to fix a damn clogged sink disposal. After it all, she said to me, "Wow, we are soooooo lucky that wasn't my Dad." Then she said, "Man, that felt really really nice with you in my arms and I regret none of it as us both experiencing this as our first. We need to do it again and we need to do it again soon!" Ahh, young love! Confusion, awkwardness, fun, education, and laughter shared between two people with little to no cares in the world. I strive to bring that kind of fun into each and every new relationship I embark upon. Life is too short, even in your 30's, to not treat someone you are interested in as that young, fun, lusty ass, awesome sauce person you'll hopefully be able to have many laughs and feel love towards.
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