Wretch

"I felt like crying but nothing came out. it was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can’t feel any worse. I think you know it." 

For me, I actually wretch and gag as the blackness inside tries to escape the storm inside.

"I think everybody knows it now and then. but I think I have known it pretty often, too often."

Another Bed

"another bed
another women

more curtains
another bathroom
another kitchen

other eyes
other hair
other
feet and toes.

everybodys looking.
the eternal search.

you stay in bed
she gets dressed for work
and you wonder what happened
to the last one
and the one after that…"

Delusion = Love

It pains me how delusional I was to think that you would sacrifice anything for me when you couldn't sacrifice anything for your own blood.

Friend's retort in honor of my character - "There's a difference between being delusional and in love.  You once fell victim to the later."

Well, shit!  Truth? Being in love seems delusional.  Leave the very definition of it on the sidewalks of your tortured soul.  Instead, let it wander to you without words, without meaning, and without warning.  Perhaps, this way, it can endure but not without clawing with compromise, understanding, and yes...sacrifice.

Take your god damn time...give life and it's utter gifts of experience a chance...

Egregious displays of impatience will cause every petal of that flower in bloom to fall to the forest floor. One's left choking on insipid experience by the rare beauty thus passed.

Virtue

"I want to be

the one
you want in your
mind and your gut and
your bathroom.

But I don’t want you
to fuck the whole
world to find out."

Life is a mysterious gift, but a gift it is..

It's hard to convey what positive words from loved ones mean to me in my moments of utter confusion, despair, and otherworldly emotion. My passion for life, words, people, connections, and hearts runs deep. Lately, it all seems shallow, wobbly, and contorted. It's offensive how anyone can feel so empty while surrounded by so much greatness in their present and in their past. None of it makes sense to me. NONE. It makes me want to beat myself up for feeling anything other than utter joy. However, emotions run deeper than most can comprehend. No matter how much money, love, or accomplishment we endure, it seems too god damn easy to find misery, hurt, and doubt within ourselves. It doesn't happen all the time but life undulates as such. Like driftwood rolling upon the waves of the sea, we are granted the great gift of pain and joy in alternating states thru that which is the astounding journey of life.

In the realm of not being able to fix stupid...

"and then there are some who
believe that old
relationships can be
revived and made new
again.

but please
if you feel that way

don’t phone
don’t write
don’t arrive"

Misogyny?

I was struck by this piece not because I'm some sort of misogynistic bastard but because I found it thought provoking, insightful, and actually a bit funny.  Most of my good friends are Women and I'm sure I'll catch some opinion over this.

Consumed

Just let it stop. The stare into nothing. The thoughts of everything. Dreams that bend your reality into what you wish it was. One day I will no longer be consumed by something worth nothing.

Dissappear

"Lately, the feeling of wanting to disappear chases me and it runs in circles inside my head. It does not leave. The thoughts of leaving and forgetting of the things that once were and now they have faded away. I just want to get away and perhaps recover. But this idea is close to me when I close my eyes. However when I open them the reality hits and it is impossible for it to ever come true. The lack of motivation, leaves me empty. Each new day is a new beginning they say, but for me its just another day to fight for something that I don’t even know of. The only time I feel at peace is when I sleep. But once the noise of a new day, it fills up my mind with the feeling of wanting to disappear. I have tried to fight this feeling but there is only so much I can do. Come April, I want to get up and start over. I have some hope, but not much. All I want is to feel the breeze of spring and think that everything will be okay."

Easier said than done...

To let go isn’t to forget, not think about, or ignore. It doesn’t have any feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t winning or losing. It’s not about pride. It’s not about obsessing or dwelling on the past. It isn’t about loss and it’s not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, but to overcome and move on. Letting go is accepting. Letting go is having the courage to accept change. Letting go is growing up.

You can't fix stupid

I've always thought of myself of a somewhat positive and successful soul wandering this Earth for a reason.  What that reason may be is a lifelong pursuit.  If you haven't realized this by now, you're probably still living in your parent's basement nursing a bong load.  I envy the bliss of that type of ignorance and carefree existence.  It's something I've never had the luxury of owning no matter how hard I've worked.

I may die searching for a "reason" as things that appear real and meaningful are often veiled with confusion and/or are simply idiosyncratic.  What I perceive to be actions in pursuit of excellence or, to put things in basal terms, "good" may be complete wastes of time and energy to most.  I've often thought of myself to be a man that renders his reality in torturous loops of logic but nails decisions down at the last moment with what touches my heart with the strength of a whisper.  I'm a victim of my own emotions as so many are but, more often, a victim of continuous thoughts of right and wrong.  However, the right or wrong I ponder is mostly focused on things outside myself.  If I could only abandon my complete stubbornness for a moment, perhaps I could fix my own "stupid" rather than wasting my time trying to fix the "stupid" of others.

People rarely change.  I doubt I will.