Dissappear

"Lately, the feeling of wanting to disappear chases me and it runs in circles inside my head. It does not leave. The thoughts of leaving and forgetting of the things that once were and now they have faded away. I just want to get away and perhaps recover. But this idea is close to me when I close my eyes. However when I open them the reality hits and it is impossible for it to ever come true. The lack of motivation, leaves me empty. Each new day is a new beginning they say, but for me its just another day to fight for something that I don’t even know of. The only time I feel at peace is when I sleep. But once the noise of a new day, it fills up my mind with the feeling of wanting to disappear. I have tried to fight this feeling but there is only so much I can do. Come April, I want to get up and start over. I have some hope, but not much. All I want is to feel the breeze of spring and think that everything will be okay."

Easier said than done...

To let go isn’t to forget, not think about, or ignore. It doesn’t have any feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t winning or losing. It’s not about pride. It’s not about obsessing or dwelling on the past. It isn’t about loss and it’s not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, but to overcome and move on. Letting go is accepting. Letting go is having the courage to accept change. Letting go is growing up.

You can't fix stupid

I've always thought of myself of a somewhat positive and successful soul wandering this Earth for a reason.  What that reason may be is a lifelong pursuit.  If you haven't realized this by now, you're probably still living in your parent's basement nursing a bong load.  I envy the bliss of that type of ignorance and carefree existence.  It's something I've never had the luxury of owning no matter how hard I've worked.

I may die searching for a "reason" as things that appear real and meaningful are often veiled with confusion and/or are simply idiosyncratic.  What I perceive to be actions in pursuit of excellence or, to put things in basal terms, "good" may be complete wastes of time and energy to most.  I've often thought of myself to be a man that renders his reality in torturous loops of logic but nails decisions down at the last moment with what touches my heart with the strength of a whisper.  I'm a victim of my own emotions as so many are but, more often, a victim of continuous thoughts of right and wrong.  However, the right or wrong I ponder is mostly focused on things outside myself.  If I could only abandon my complete stubbornness for a moment, perhaps I could fix my own "stupid" rather than wasting my time trying to fix the "stupid" of others.

People rarely change.  I doubt I will.